Growing up

Sometimes I don't like growing up.

Occasionally, when I go home, I like to read through my old diary entries, roll my eyes, and smile to myself at the simplicity of my childhood days.

"My life is so tough. Mom and Dad are being dumb and Kevin's being mean. It's not fair."

There are times when I would give anything to go back to the days of no life-altering decisions to worry about, or when one "wrong" move actually carried with it no long term consequences. Yes, these days were so simple in comparison.

If only I could return to the times when reality and plausibility did not interfere with my imagination. I could be whoever I wanted. My dolls could talk. I could be a spy tracking the black monster and an orphan running from the evil Mr. Mitchbook. Oh, Mitchbook.

But sometimes I like growing up. I like making my own decisions and being independent. Most of all, though, I love learning. I love how much I have learned that I did not know before, and how much more I keep learning. I remember my freshman year of college I thought the seniors seemed so wise. Now that I am a senior, I realize that my naïve perception was slightly off (I am far from wise!), but I will admit that I know much more about myself and life than I did four years ago.

I am learning to value (and need) alone time in my crazy, extraverted life. I am asking questions and thinking thoughts that I had never considered before. How can I truly love? What is true love? God calls me beautiful. But what is beauty? I have passions. I am a passionate person. What exactly am I passionate about, and how can I use such passions? What is my identity, and where is it? Oh, goodness. So many questions with so few concrete, understandable, definable answers.

I think, though, that that is what learning is. Recognizing that it's okay not to know, and sometimes I cannot know. While at the same time, striving to better understand, at least a little bit more, about things that are above and beyond us.

I like understanding more, and understanding more comes with growing up. So maybe it's okay to grow up.