Yellow heels and magna cum laude

Pomp and circumstance. Today was my college graduation day. Oh, how different it was than I had expected.

I guess I don't know what exactly I expected. Rushes of emotion? Excitement? Adrenaline? Tears? Feelings of satisfaction? Fear to leave the safe haven of George Fox? Yet I felt none of these things. I didn't really feel anything. I felt like the happenings of the day occurred around me, but not to me.

Throw on a new dress (that no one really sees, because it's covered up with a robe). Grab lunch at Subway (since there is no food left in our deserted kitchen). Run around taking pictures with people (because that's what you're supposed to do, right?). Line up in a sweaty, crowded room. File in to the gym. Halfway listen to the speaker, frequently zoning out because I was never really present in the first place. Stand and shuffle over to the stage when my row is lead. Make sure the awkwardly fitting cap is still on my head, tassel in place. Whisper my name to the announcer (to ensure correct pronunciation). At this point, it is as though a bubble envelops me. I can't really hear anything. I can't really feel anything. This feeling of numbness surprised me, as it did the other graduates who experienced it as well. As my name is read, I walk across the stage (don't trip). Shake with the right hand, grab the [fake] diploma with the left. Oh goodness, the president of the University is congratulating me...but I can barely hear him...a muttered "Thank you" escapes. "Stand with your feet on the arrows, please" commands a man with a huge camera. I smile, diploma case in hand, as I try to figure out how I got from point A to point B. "Now, please keep moving..." Oh, shoot. I think I saw my family up in the stands with signs, but I didn't even really get a chance to look at them. Oh well, must keep hurrying back to my seat. Now I get to listen to the other bajillion names read.

After the ceremony we head outside, scrambling to take pictures with friends, family professors...what chaos! I can't have a quality conversation with anyone. Families frantically waving, people running around trying to snap pictures, constantly ditching conversations for more hugs and pictures. I want to crawl into a hole and not speak to anyone. I love people. I am surrounded by beautiful people who I care about...yet I feel numb. Not sad. Grateful! But this is NOT what i want my last interaction with such people to be.

Here I am, sitting on my bedroom floor (still wearing Kaitlin's yellow heels and my sundress) at 11:15pm, and trying to figure out what just happened today. Why did I kill myself with grades? So I could wear a yellow rope around my neck and have 3 extra words read after my name (words I didn't even hear)? What people are my real friends? What will homework-less nights be like? (I honestly think I'll miss homework sometimes...). so many random, unimportant (and important) questions swirling through my head.

I haven't really processed through this whole graduation thing yet, and honestly, I don't think I really will for a while. I think that's okay. And for now I think I'm going to sit on my floor in my yellow heels and just breathe.