morning prayer (as much as i can handle).

There's something about darkness. And nature. And early mornings. And being up high. I like the words that John Mark used to describe this combination. "It makes the world seem so much more clear." Indeed it does. This morning, I needed a little clarity for a lot of things. And since I don't have a tall mountain to climb (although OH, wouldn't that be IDYLLIC!), I embraced the opportunity to sit on my balcony.

I woke up at 5:45 am. I don't work until the afternoon, but I wanted the newness of morning. "Why are you up?", Kristy asked me. "Do you work?"

It was nice being up because I chose to, not because I had to (and I suppose the fact that I went to bed at 9:00 probably helped some too). I put on my fuzzy socks, wrapped my body in a comforter, and sat in a chair on my balcony. I tucked my feet under me and prayed.

Thought. Cried. Listened. Smiled.

The air was crisp, but not cold. I watched as the tree in front of me slowly became more and more visible as the sun rose. I talked to God about life and my questions and things I'm angry about, things I don't understand, my job and grad school and boys and the desolation of the world and how I don't know how to handle it. I was able to admit to things like being overwhelmed. I was humbled to realize that sometimes when God gives us exactly what we asked for, we don't know what to do with it. Sometimes we don't even know what to ask for! At least I don't.

God, please help people (especially women) in my city to feel valued. Shut down strip clubs. Provide them with food. Let them feel loved. Stop the abuse. I've seen first hand what it does to people, and I know you detest it as well. And then there's all these people in my life, who have deep questions and needs. Well, everyone has deep questions and needs. So now I want to bring those to you. Not to mention my own. And then I want to praise you for all sorts of amazing things you are doing. And am I really supposed to move to North Carolina in a year? And what about grad school? And at this point, I'm just straight up overwhelmed and feeling like I don't know what to pray or how to be involved in the Lord's redemptive work. I KNOW I'm not expected to fix the world, but I also know I'm not supposed to take a passive role. So what do I do?! What do I even pray for? I am not enough!

These are the thoughts that come to me in the morning. Perhaps if I took time to do this more often, they would not pile on top of each other like that. I could deal with questions as they come, instead of (yet again) allowing the back burner of my soul to be come full.

Lord, you are gracious. Hallelujah! Have mercy on us all.