screw rational detachment.

Damn. I'm becoming numb again.

Oh, numbness. It's that haze over life that just sucks the feeling out of everything. Going, going, going. Drive here. Work there. Talk to this person. Do what those people tell me to do. I am happy, but I don't feel it. I cry sometimes, but I don't feel sad. I almost think my tears are my body's attempt at feeling.

Spiritually, I'm feeling tired of doing and doing. I'm tired of making good choices. I'm tired of serving. I don't want to admit it, but I"m tired of praying. I"m tired of reading the Bible. I'm tired of talking about faith. I just want to be.

Contrary to normalcy (and the rest of the world), my job is the only thing right now at which I feel successful. My work days go by quickly. I feel GOOD about what I do and how I do it. I leave work feeling filled, only to continue to proceed with the rest of my life, at which I feel like I suck.

I'm good at taking care of people, but I've realized that the "helper" role is a little too comfortable for me. I have embraced my role as a shoulder to cry on. The solid one. The "Child and Adolescent Treatment Specialist." The one who calmly stands there and takes it when teenager yells that I am a fucking c*** (the one word I cannot bring myself to write). The one who offers coping skills to clients, and uses them herself to not feel. But take me out of this stable, capable role, and I squirm. I don't like to be helped, so I don't let myself feel need. Which means I don't let myself feel.

I'm not looking for pity. Like I said, I'm happy. I just have the desire to cry because I"m SAD, not in an attempt to release unexperienced feelings. Or to feel bubbly inside, that would be nice. I could use a little giddiness. I want someone to be mean to me so I can allow anger to boil up inside of me, and then slap them in the face instead of standing there and taking it. Screw this rational detachment stuff. But for now, I'll go back to using my coping skills of One Thing in the Moment. Deep breathing. Distraction. And coloring Disney Princess pictures, which so far has proven to be the most effective of all.