All that to say, screw New Years Resolutions for me. I'm constantly changing, grasping at the elusive, and trying to figure life out, but not with a (known) deadline.
I've had ample time to think about things like this the last few days (thank you, body-who-never-gets-sick-but-then-decides-to-over-a-weekend/holiday). At least the couch is comfy, although it probably has my body print indented into the upholstery by now. Anyway, I've taken some time to look back through old journals and think about the past year. It's encouraging to think that last year at this time, on January 1 2012, I had NO IDEA how much things in my life would change. How much I would change. So, without further adieu (is that how you spell that? I don't speak French.), I present the year 2012 in summary. Bulletpointed, of course, because that's what I do.
-January 2012 - Moved to an apartment in Tigard with Kristy Lu. Best roommate ever. Spent the last year making it a home, and with very little time or money, I'm pretty dang proud of what we have. Our apartment's name is Spaingland, in case you were wondering.
-February 2012 - Survived "The shitstorm of fuckuary," as Kristy and I have affectionately dubbed this season of our lives. Working swing shift in residential treatment, multiple jobs, boy troubles. Waking up in the mornings and crying on our couch because we were so anxious about work and confused about our lives. I don't ever want to go back, and I have a hard time saying it's good, but I know growth came from it. And it's over.
-March 2012 - Ended full time job with Trillium, started a research job with U of O. Great experience, and I didn't get beat up. Ended relationship with Matt. So many questions at the time, but it's one of those things I can look back on and smile at now.
-Summer 2012 - Kind of a blur. Worked at the theater a lot, which was great. Saw an angel, I'm convinced. Went through a period of 4 months of darkness that led to light. Felt called to move to North Carolina in 2013. Acted in a show.
-Fall 2012 - Started full time in the Day Treatment program at Trillium. Met some wonderful people who are willing to do life with me, nothing more, nothing less. Quit research job. Started line dancing.
Things I've learned about myself:
-I want to make time for dancing, because it is one of the few things that instantly lights me up.
-When I'm pissed off at someone, I need to give myself and them space, even if it's the last thing in the world I want to do. Things will go MUCH better in the end if I allow this.
-I love to host people, and have learned how to keep a clean house (at least 90% of the time). Minus my bedroom, which I've learned to live with for now.
- I desire to be helped, but I don't let people help me. If people offer, I say no and refuse to lay down my strong, independent woman card. But secretly, I hope they'll push at least a little bit more. It's like I have reactive attachment disorder or something.
-Having a semi-regular schedule is amazing. Routine brings freedom, not constraints! Well, I"ll be.
-Jillian Michaels is bomb (gahhh...I think and talk like middle school boys now!). But seriously, she is. One of her 20 minute workouts leaves me feeling amazingly sore and badass.
-I'm damn good at being the perfect date, but I have major walls up that keep me from feeling. I want them down, but I don't know how.
Well, there you have it. Another ridiculously long post in which I bear my soul. I'm looking forward to see what this post looks like in a year. I'm looking forward to having the question marks erased (at least some of them) and new discoveries.
Cheers to 2013! It's going to be great. In some way.
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