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[And this was my written prayer.]

I don't want to talk to religious people about [these questions], who will reference scripture or quote an author. I want - no, I need something I haven't heard before. Holy Spirit, Jesus, or whoever I am supposed to call on, speak to me in a way that will resonate and penetrate. I don't even know what this is or means. But I do believe that You created me and my innermost being, so You know what will permeate these high and sturdy walls of skepticism and tradition and religion. Catch me off guard with wonder, Yahweh. Please.

[And this was what came next.]

I know there is beauty around me. I know the skies bring forth your paintings. I know laughter was not an accident, and neither was dirt. I know love's purity cannot be created by anything un-divine. I know that the fact that I am crying right now means that I still have feeling and there are gaps in the walls. I know that my head feels clearer and my chest feels lighter, my breaths come easier, and my face is wetter. I know that I don't understand stars or sea urchins or bees. I know that it rains on the righteous and the unrighteous. I know that sand was meant to feel nice, and so is kissing. I know that different words come to different people who write them in different ways. I know that You stay the same but I do not. I know that Anne Lamott and the apostle Paul both show parts of You, but not the whole. I know that Sarah and Cody and my mother and my enemy all show parts of You, but not the whole.

I know that You are not tolerant but are gracious, which are two different things. I know You are gentle, yes, this I know better than most things. I know that I "want to make the world a better place," but so do lots of people, but what does that even mean, and why are we not doing something about it?!

I know You have created men and women differently, and isn't that beautiful and why both are needed on teams? I also know that men can be gentle and women can be ferocious, just like You.

I know that my spirit is at unrest, and that is okay - no, it's good - and I don't need to fix it. I know that the yearning to climb a tree and to jump in a river and to lay in the grass was not taught to me (though some people have aided me in discovering it).

I know that purple and yellow and green and black were meant for different times and different places. I know that hearing birds talk (and sometimes yell) speaks more truth and sounds more sweet than anything I usually have to say.

I know that concrete makes me claustrophobic, except after a rain.

I know that memory is faulty, but experiences are not, so write things down, for goodness sake!

I know that an inopportune cliché is poison, but words of honest truth can almost heal.

I know I love words as long as they are not coming from me.

I know I can't fully understand You, or you, but I'm going to try to get close.
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