clouds and such.

I haven't been writing much lately. My thoughts are not organized and don't sound pretty enough to post, so I don't. Plus sifting through my thoughts takes energy, something I don't have at this time. Rather than trying to prettify the randomness, I'm going to keep it random and shallow. And write bullet points.

- I got in a manic cleaning mood the other night. I had SO.MUCH.ENERGY and flitted around the apartment, cleaning and organizing for hours. I had to force myself to wind down at 1:00 in the morning so I could get a few hours of sleep before my theater classes. Weird, right?

-I need my alone time, but lately I have found that when I take time to think and pray and journal, I get anxious. Anxious and emotional and fearful. I cry and feel a weight on my chest. It's not very fun and I wish this would stop happening.

-Kristy and I decided to get dressed up and go out in downtown Portland. We did, and it was fun. People in Portland are ridiculous. One guy was even so drunk that he literally fell asleep mid sentence while he was talking to us. We have lots of good quotes and stories.

-I like my research job. Today I got paid 12 bucks an hour to sit and drink a mocha and read over surveys people filled out about themselves.

-Last weekend I had a cast party for the kids traveling theater troupes I worked with. I was tired and not even going to go, but I am so glad I did. They kids were SO sweet and each gave speeches about how much they love theater and the group. And then they gave us COMPLETELY unexpected flowers and cards. I was blown away.

-I love my mom. She brings me yogurt and gives really good hugs.

-Coffee shops are my coping skill. I can go to a place where no one knows me or will try and talk to me, get coffee, and hide in a corner. I get to breathe and think and journal.

-I am learning to be awestruck by clouds. They are wonderful because, no matter how shitty of a day I've had, I can look at the clouds and think, "God made these. If he made these, He can do anything." It's true. And these clouds were made by the same Being no matter what their form looks like on any particular day. I think that clouds are beautiful, even on the days when they have no definition and simply appear as a gray haze over the sky. Sometimes these gray hazy days are necessary I think. I like finding fun shapes in clouds too, and the clouds and shapes are constantly changing. An ever-present adventure. Clouds are good things.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm living life in a haze. I'm ready to break free, to breathe deeply. But I'm not sure how.