Jesus, turn this wine back into water...

Isn't it funny, how as a kid, you thought you would someday grow up and all of a sudden you would understand everything...you would never cry...you would know and be able to control what you think and feel? How fooled we were! Or at least I was.

I feel silly sometimes, feeling things that I can't control. But I've learned that sometimes it's better to let yourself feel these things than to try not to. Sometimes it's good to scream as loud as you can in the car, or pace the floor due to anxiety. Sometimes it's good to lay on the floor and cry. This doesn't mean I'm crazy, it means that I'm feeling. I want to go punch something right now. Not because I'm angry, but because I'm feeling strong things.

Thank Jesus for community and stability. I am weak, He is strong. I have nothing left, and that's okay. Even good I think. I can rely on Him. And I am so, so ridiculously blessed with community! I am covered in blankets of love and prayer. I have a string of people who I can call or text anytime and who are praying for me.

I just want this sick feeling of unrest to go away! I want to be able to laugh purely again. I'm not dark and depressed, but I am deep. Deep in the ocean of emotion. I have heard that expression before..."ocean of emotion..." and feel like I'm beginning to understand it. It is turbulent. It is unpredictable. It is deep, with lots and lots of layers. Sometimes you feel like you're drowning. And sometimes, on sunny days, you feel like you're in paradise. Yes, I am going deep, and have yet to hit the bottom.

Thank you Jesus for refining me during this process. Thank you that I can consider it pure joy, as my faith is tested and proved. As turbulent as this ocean is, at least I feel, which is better than being numb. And I know that I will find shore one day, but for now, as I'm walking on water, I need to keep trusting and looking to You so that I don't sink.

"Jesus, turn this wine back into water, So we can quench our poor, thirsty souls. This desert's dry as hell and getting hotter, And the truth is only your love makes us whole

So carry us over the finish line, We can see the end but our feet are so tired. It's obvious we're useless on our own. So carry us over the finish line, We can see the end but our feet are so tired. We don't know how to be sober, So Jesus, carry us over

But if this wait is gonna kill me, Well kill me, then, and bring me home to You. But if my destiny's amongst the heathen, Well tie me to your rope, and pull me through.

We want to come home." -Kelli Schaefer