I have been struggling recently with feelings of loneliness.
It's not that I don't have friends. It's just...well, for the first time since I can remember, I don't feel like hanging out with most people. I'm not depressed. I don't hate people. But I have found that there are VERY few people with whom I truly enjoy spending time with. I rarely look forward to hanging out with people, and when I do, I often find myself wondering when it will be done. This is so depressing to me! I love people! I have amazing people in my life, and I'm pissed at myself that I'm not having fun with them anymore. These past couple of weeks I have tried to unpack this, and thanks to extensive processing and an extremely enlightening conversation with a former college professor of mine, here is what I have come up with.
1) If I make plans, it becomes an obligation and expectation. No matter how "fun" something may be, or how nice the person is with whom I make plans, I view them as an expectation. I get off work, and am told I need to be somewhere at a certain time, and I don't like that. Even if I am the one who made the plans. I find myself feeling so much more delighted about life and people if plans are made in the moment. I do understand that often times planning is necessary and I cannot live life entirely flying by the seat of my pants, but I do want to create more space in my schedule to allow things to happen. I think living like this epitomizes my philosophy for how life should be lived - with expectancy, not expectations.
2) I'm done with social games and surface level relationships. This past year, I have gone to the depths. I have seen the absolute dark side of humanity through working in treatment and with "the system." I have been trauamatized. I have legitimately questioned God and faith. I have reached a depth of self-knowledge that had previously never been touched. My professor reminded me that not everyone has been there, and that makes it hard to relate with some people. No wonder Kristy is the only one who I want to spend time with! She has journeyed with me through this. Our hell of a last two years have brought us together with an intimacy that is rarely parallelled. We have journeyed together through the depths and through this crazy time of self-discovery post college. Because I know what it feels like to have an extremely deep, understanding, loving, authentic relationship with someone like this, anything less than that seems unsatisfying and almost a waste of time.
It's not that I am super fake with other people, or they with me (always). Some people are incredibly sweet and as authentic as they can be. But I feel like there is a level of authenticity that can only be reached by going through the depths. What "the depths" is differs between person to person, and some may never experience it, and some just have not yet. It's not that I'm "better than" those who are incapable of reaching this level of depth, but we are at difference places. Sometimes surface level answers and understanding frustrate me. I am a very open person, and will be honest with many people. I have nothing to hide. But I am finding that there are very, very few people with whom I am able to truly establish a deep, understanding relationship. There is a difference between willingness and ability.
3) I'm moving. In less than two months, I am packing my bags and moving across the country. The balance between living fully in each moment that I am here while living with the understanding that I am moving soon is oh-so-tricky. I don't want my mind and heart to be two months ahead of me and in a different place, but I also don't want to invest in relationships with people here that will need to be quickly severed. That's just plain stupid. So I want to be wise, but how to do that in this awkward stage of transition is hella confusing.
It's hard not being filled or satisfied with things and people that I used to be. It's hard growing up and becoming more real. I hope and pray that I find people in North Carolina with whom I am able to go deep with.
Deep cries out to deep, and I hope that they are crying out. Because I sure am.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi Julianne,
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reading your blog. To be honest, I marvel at your honesty. How do you do it, writing very personal insights and things that might offend others on a publicly available site? I have rarely seen such outspoken openness and discover that I like it.
Reading your article about loneliness, I wanted to ask you what you mean about “going to the depths”? Do you mean the depths of one’s own personality or more broader? Is it comparable to a sort of disillusionment of something?
Personally, I can’t talk to certain people about deeper topics, either. Like with some friends we hardly ever talk about ourselves, but we just talk, barely scratching the surface of our thoughts and views. Serious topics simply don’t come up. We have a great time, but I sometimes miss a certain personal connection. With others, however, these work well, but sometimes it depends on the topic and if that person experiences or has experienced something similar.
By the way, I know I don’t know you that well, but I wasn’t surprised either about your ADHD. (Have you got a diagnose, yet?) My brother has it and I’ve grown up experiencing him with it. It seems to be different for people, though. He liked audio books, while he could never focus on a book. He used them to fall asleep to keep him from all the other distractions out there, I think.
Ok, enough now.
Pierre