the threshold(s).

"The familiar life horizon has been outgrown; the old concepts, ideals, and emotional patterns no longer fit; the time for the passing of a threshold is at hand." - Joseph Campbell

Threshold. THIS word is my "season word," for now (I often find that my life can be accurately described in a single word or phrase, for a time...for a season. This theme-of-my-life word lasts for a bit, then changes itself into a new one that just fits better).  I am at a threshold in so many areas of life it's not even funny. But it is good.

1) My move to North Carolina. I know I've been mentioning that quite a bit lately, but how can I not?! I am literally selling my belongings and moving to a new place across the country. How much more of a threshold can you get? New living space. New roads to drive. New job. New co-workers. New friends (I hope!). New grocery stores I shop at. New places to adventure. New "thin places." New running trails. New restaurants. Okay, I'll stop...you get it. EVERYTHING IS NEW.

2) My faith. Oh dear Lord, I don't even know how to write about this, so I will let someone else do it for me.

"Now here was I, new-awakened, with my hand stretching out and touching the unknown, the real unknown, the unknown unknown." -D.H. Lawrence

Or to quote Isben's play The Doll House...

"I am afraid, Torvald, I do not exactly know what religion is...I know nothing but what the clergyman said...he told us religion was this, and that, and the other. When I am away from all this, and am alone, I will look into that matter too. I will see if what the clergyman said is true, or at all events, if it is true for me."

So, in summary, I am sifting through the grains of truth and untruths and unknowns. Sifting through my religious surroundings, very real experiences that I KNOW I have had with Yaheweh, feelings of unrest within my soul, an extremely conservative upbringing, living in an extremely liberal city, and figuring out what all this means. The parts of my soul that I feed are the parts that will survive. But what parts do I feed, and what parts do I let die? And what parts do I fucking KILL?! What parts do I nourish? And what food do I give them....from what source?

I am not seeking happiness. I am seeking TRUTH. I do believe in Yahweh. But I also think that I have confined this omniscient and omnipotent deity to many boxes. I have lies and truth pelting me from every side, and I don't know what it all means.

3) Feminist thoughts. This threshold does indeed collide with my faith, but is also its own as well. Trying to figure out what my femininity means for me, and for others. How this affects the decisions I make. When I should care about things and when I should let them go (there is a time for each!). When I should be angry and when I should feel empathetic and when I should be at peace.

In Dance of the Dissident Daughter, Sue Monk Kidd references an experiment in which flies are put in an aerated jar for an extended period of time. When the lid of the jar is taken off, the flies are so conditioned to stay within the safe and confined space that they do not leave. "I am in the jar." 
When I was sharing this with my roommate, she put my thoughts into the perfect words (thank you, dear writers and friends, for creating keys that unlock understanding):

"Let me out of the fucking jar!"

O Thresholds that I am approaching, grant me grace as I cross.