let's clean. no, let's listen to music. no, let's go to the store.

My newest life-changing revelation: I am 99.9999% certain I have ADHD.

The funny thing is, whenever I share this with people who know me well, they are not surprised. People have told me things like, "Yeah, that makes sense with the way you talk." RIGHT?! It totally does. And people have NO idea how many thoughts and tangents I am constantly fighting to suppress.

I never thought that I had any neurological "handicaps" or "issues." I got straight As, did fine sitting in class when I was in high school and college, and did not feel like I had excessive, uncontrollable energy (because "that's what ADHD is, right?"). But a couple of months ago, a few things stood out that made me start to ask some questions about my brain.

1) My inability to listen to audiobooks. Repeating tracks because I didn't get what was going on because my brain was elsewhere was a normal occurrence. I tried fantasy, nonfiction, religious, novels, you name it - I would sometimes make it a disc or two in, but that was it.

2) The fact that my dad and brother are both diagnosed with ADHD, and it is hereditary.

3. My "anxiety." There would be times where I would have thoughts whirring through my head, conflicting feelings bombarding me, and I would get overwhelmed and want to curl up in a corner and cry. I thought it was anxiety, but...

4) Saturday cleaning. I would get anxious and overwhelmed because I had a do-to list of five zillion little things, would start working on one, get distracted by another, lose track of where I was, get frustrated with myself, and open a book or the computer to escape the tasks that seemed impossible to do.

5) The fact that I could never sit still at work. While my co-workers were content to sit and observe the classroom when things were calm, I constantly felt like I had to be flitting about, doing things all the time to stay busy.

I started putting these things together and threw out some of these thoughts to my dad. His response: "I've thought you had ADHD for a while. Here, 'borrow' an adderall. See what happens."
"Uh....okay, dad."

I was hesitant to take meds, so I didn't for a long time. I'm the kind of person who would rather suck it up and deal with it then become reliant on medication. But one day I was feeling so overwhelmed and mad at myself for my inability to focus, that I decided to take the plunge. And by plunge I mean adderall.

OH MY STARS, FOR THE LOVE OF LIZA.

It was the best. thing. ever. Not like a "high," but a calm. My thoughts that were constantly darting from one place to another at 100mph were finally slowed down to the point where I could track with them. I could breathe easier. I felt calmer. I was SO productive that day, and happy while I was doing it!

It's hard to explain what it's like to someone who does not struggle with ADHD. Imagine that music is playing loudly in the background (with a song on repeat), while you are trying to read a paper, while someone is reading you instructions. You can't really focus on any of the three because they are all happening at once. That is what it's like.

This week I am meeting with a psychiatrist to get officially diagnosed. I don't want to take medicine every day, because let's face it, I don't need to focus every day (at least not at this time...I work at a theater, for crying out loud! Places like that are MADE for people like me). But it is nice to have a name and a label for something that was plaguing me, and I didn't even know it. It's nice to feel like I understand myself a bit better.

So, friends, that is a glimpse into my brain. My over-analyzing, rapid-firing, tangent filled brain.
Betcha my life and writing and our conversations make a lot more sense now, right?

Cheers.