No more thoughts...and then there are...

My thoughts are done.

I have journaled and thought and journaled and prayed and journaled and read and journaled so. much. over the past several days. Now, for the first time in my life, I feel as though I have nothing else to write. My heart has been poured out on purple pages, my thoughts have been processed, my prayers have been cried out, {not my] words have come, and I am at peace. No longer do I have thoughts and hopes and desires and questions and doubts banging on the walls of my consciousness, begging to be let out. I understand what I think and feel and am ready to move forward.

I want to remember this liberated feeling. In the midst of the craziness of life, I want to take ample time to think and to pray and to be. Of course, I will not always be blessed with weekends like this one, when I can afford to take hours upon hours to do what needs to be done. But I want to make thinking and journaling and intentionally seeking a priority. These past few days I have sought God with passion. For the first time, I genuinely feel as though I am abandoning the outcome of a situation to my Creator. I have no doubt that regardless of what happens, I will continue to trust in God's goodness and Truth. No strings attached. What freedom! What peace!

I don't want to forget this. I don't want to go back next week to half-heartedly reading and praying. I don't want to seek God's will only when it aligns with my will. I don't want to go back to gaining insight, then leaving it on the pages of my journal and on the back burner of my soul as I go out and live life as I please. I do not want to view myself in a mirror only to leave moments after and forget what I look like.

No, rather I want to make the daily choice to live passionately. To pray passionately. I want to pour out Love that is not of myself. I want to seek Eli daily so that the stickers won't stick. I want to accept that I am Beloved, taken, blessed, broken, and given. I want to unmask the manipulative world for what it is and intentionally choose to fight its deceit. I want to praise in every situation instead of always wanting. I want to embrace the fact that I deserve nothing, thus viewing everything in life as a merciful act of grace. If I accept that my actions merit nothing, I will never face disappointment.

I write this because I do not want to forget. I do not want these days of seeking and writing and thinking to end.