Utopia

I feel as though I understand myself well (for the most part), but sometimes I just...well... don't. It is in these murky times that I am stretched and oh so thankful for wonderful people and journals. One night a few weeks ago, Austin taught me a "game" that I thought was funny, and then realized that it's actually really hard and surprising. It's called utopia. As we were lying on our stomachs under a pool table, chins propped on our hands, he explained to me that in utopia you have to take a situation and then think about what would happen if you had complete control. If I could determine the outcome, what would it be? How would things change? Or maybe they would say the same. Through this game I realized that sometimes I didn't (and don't) know what I want. I don't even know what utopia is. In some situations it's like I'm hoping for something to happen, yet I don't know what that thing is. Or sometimes what I'm "hoping" (or expecting) will happen isn't even what I would really choose in utopia. Why do I long for things when they may not be what I even want now? Maybe because sometimes what I think I am longing for is the "easy" answer, or what I'm "supposed" to long for.

Oh goodness. If I can't dwell in a utopia, at least I can hope to better understand it. I'm working on it.