I. hate. obligation.

I have come to a new realization: I hate obligation.

No, really, I do. Take any "good" thing, make it obligatory, and BAM... good job, you've just made it detestable. Think about it. Take a really good book, now attach on a deadline, and the joy has just been robbed of reading it (Come on, think lit class....I know I'm not the only one who felt like this).

I think that the reason I am becoming sensitive to obligation is because my life is full of it. It is run by it. I am so. tired. of having my life decided for me. "Be at this class, work these hours, have coffee with so-and-so, be at this party, meeting at this time, blah...blah...blah." Effffffffffff. Even writing this stresses me out.

The thing is, most of my obligations are not class or work. They are things like social obligations. (I know, I know...they're not obligations, because I can just as easily say no, yadda yadda). Some things really are necessary though, because if I don't come through, I will either go back on my word, give in to pride, or hurt a relationship I care about. If a friend keeps asking me to go out to coffee, is it right to keep saying "no" after I've already abused the I'm-too-busy excuse and he or she keeps pursuing? No, I don't believe it is right. Unless I have a darn good reason not to, refusing to spend time with this person says "you're not good enough for my time, and I'm too good to waste my precious time on you."

I do have my limits. I'm not saying I should become intimate friends and bare my soul to anyone who wants me to. I have boundaries. But still, I think that if people want to go to coffee, I should go. Therefore, it is, in a weird way, obligatory. But this fact...this "o" word...makes me want to go even less. Which makes the situation worse. And so on...

Also, gift giving. I detest obligatory gift giving. I have heard and considered time and time again, "Then just don't do it!", an idea that I abide by to a certain extent. But then there are those times where it would be rude and hurtful to give a gift to one person but not the other (think roommates)...hence the obligation. Oh well, I keep telling myself when I graduate the obligatory gift giving will diminish. I hope.

Even friendship. There are some people I just feel obligated to be friends with, obligated to be nice to, etc. To a certain extent I think this is biblical, but it is just plain draining. As I mentioned, there are VERY few people to whom I will bare my soul, but even the occasional coffee date can be draining. That's another reason I am very much anticipating graduation. After graduation, in order to have a relationship with someone, intentionality is required. Therefore, all those so-called "friends" that are really acquaintances will slowly disappear and become nothing more than a name on my facebook newsfeed (until I eventually delete them). I am looking forward to this. Is that bad?

I'm really enjoying writing this post. You want to know why? Because no one told me to. No one is benefitting from it. Nothing is resting on my shoulders. I know, I care sometimes when I shouldn't. But that is just how I am. I am still figuring out how, when, and why I should care. I am still trying to figure out how to both care and not care at the same time. To be independent and empathetic, which I believe is possible. Sometimes I envy those people who can flip their hair and blow someone off without a second thought. Those people who know themselves down to the core and don't have a problem expressing what they think and feel. But at the same time, that is not me, and as much of a pain and emotional burden as it is at times, I like my empathy. Balance is what I am learning, and working on, and will probably continue working on until the day I die or become a monk. Nun. Whatever.

This is the journey I am on, but that's okay. It is not obligatory. It is something I want.