Nice people

I hate it when people are nicer than me.

I generally consider myself to be a "nice" person. I usually try to be accommodating, hospitable, and friendly. But there are those people who just go above and beyond in "niceness." In their presence, I feel like a selfish, stuck up little turd who only cares about herself. ouch. Of COURSE this is stupid. But it's how I feel.

I think sometimes I'm jealous of nice people's tolerance level. I think the people I have the hardest time putting up with are the ones that annoy me. Mean I can do, rude I can do, but annoying takes it to the next level. There are some people that make my whole being uptight by just spending time together. It's like I'm (unintentionally) waiting for them to piss me off. I try to like them, but I usually end up being short. How am I supposed to enjoy spending time with them? I try to be nice to their face, really I do. And I think I usually succeed. But for both of our sakes, I keep our conversations short and sweet, then tiptoe away as soon as I can.

But there are some people who genuinely love everyone. They invite the excluded, converse with the annoying, and do all sorts of other "right" things. And here I am, struggling to have a 2 minute conversation with a me-monster (you know those people that only want to talk about themselves and nothing else?), and in those two minutes, somehow getting completely pissed off. While the nice people listen and genuinely smile. Key word: genuine. My smile is fake. Theirs is not.

These "nice" people are so in the right. I am so in the wrong. And I know it. But when an individual's transference is so frustrating, how I am I supposed to think nice thoughts, desire their company, and...well...be a "better person?"

Maybe I'm not. Maybe I can't do it on my own. Maybe no one expects me to. Maybe I need divine help (and I do mean that quite literally). I can't do it on my own.

But for now...

I don't like feeling like a terrible person. Efffffff..... i hate it when people are nicer than me.