Senior year ramblings

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Julianne, who wore leggings every day and wanted to be an actress. Fast forward. Now Julianne is finishing up her senior year of college, a plethora of opportunities at her feet, and yet none at all. the end.

How did I get here so quickly? I knowthat life flies by. Who doesn't. Everyone is constantly reminding me. I know. Really. But the knowledge and attempt at understanding of the rapidity with which life goes by do not diminish its effect. WHAM.

I strive to seize the day, and live in the moment. But how the hell am I supposed to "live in the moment" when I also need to figure out what I'm doing a few months down the road (a concept I am constantly reminded of, as people ask the dreaded pre-graduation question, "so.....what are you going to do with your life?") AAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhh. I. don't. know. Well yes, I do. I'm going to live life the best I can. The details are still negotiable.

I guess I can't be mad when people ask that question. I ask it sometimes, because I am genuinely curious what people are thinking. I do not have a concrete answer to "the question." Some people do, and want to share. I want to hear it. But every time I ask that question I feel a little bit guilty inside, since I know that we all dread answering it. But like I said, I can't judge when people ask it. Some people genuinely care about me and want to know. Others are using it to break the ice. grrrrrrr. THAT I do not like. Nor do I like it when people ask what I'm going to do when I get into the "real world." Really, people, REALLY?! Do you think that the past 17 years of academic sweat, blood, and tears have been fake?! "Woohoo, after I have a piece of paper that says George Fox University, I get to be a real grown up." Pa-thetic.

Each year has been beautiful. And challenging. I have thoroughly enjoyed many moments. I love college, but I'm ready to move on. Senior year is a funny time of life, it really is. Whenever people ask how senior year is going, I say, "Good. And weird." Yup, that about sums it up. It goes beyond bittersweet. Living in the moment while thinking about the future. Meeting people and saying good-byes. Thinking about things I didn't want to...or need to...before. Learning how to love.

A dear friend once cited Anne of Avonlea in a conversation I will never forget. Sitting in the comfy Chapters chairs, hot coffee in hand, she told me something like this. "LIfe is always full of bends in the roads. These might be scary sometimes, not knowing what is ahead, but it's also exciting. Think about how boring life would be if we knew everything that was coming. But since we don't, each day is new and beautiful. We never know what's around the bend." Isn't that great? I thought so. And think so. I think of that often, when I'm asking the "what next" question. And I am learning that it is okay not to know. Really and truly. In fact, it is better. I am learning to be at peace with that. (key word: learning. progressive tense. still in process.)

Senior year is the ultimate exercise it trust. Think about it. Until then, there are so many other times in life when you don't know what will happen, but eventually down the road, you know something. Anything. After high school, you know you want to go to college. Sure, you don't know where yet, but at least that's something. Studying abroad I didn't know what would happen, but I knew that after four months I would be back. But now... what lies ahead? I. don't. know. Anything. Nothing. Nada.

We'll see what happens. I'm excited. I'm unsure. Let's go.